Brett Deadwyler

if you haven't been, you need to go

Fri, 19 May 2006 18:01:19 GMT

Just FYI, I've bene updating my new blog decently frequently. Check it out often if you don't. :)

Blog moved!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 14:38:08 GMT

my blog has moved to Here

Go there for info about the move which I will be posting soon.

check it out

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 19:43:50 GMT

There is a serious lack of good bands with girl vocals. Today I found a new one that you should check out. They are called Flyleaf. Pretty good for a debut album and they are the only ones I've heard try this style with a girl singer. She kinda has an Avril lavign voice but the music is much harder than Avrils. In fact she even screams (very very well I might add, I didn't believe it at first). She doesn't scream as much as I hoped for the rest of the album after hearing "I'm so sick". So ya, check it out. Oh, and if you like firefox or hate internet explorer, this video is good for a jolly ol' LOL.

Music Music, and more Music

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 15:59:53 GMT

I'm kind of feeling like, finally some good new music! What is this new music. Well, one of my favorite bands just released a new album. The Appleseed Cast just released a new album "Peregrine". I've only listened to half of it but love it so far and think I'm going to really enjoy it. Their albums are always unique and creative. Also have an advanced copy of Underaoths new album "Define the Great Line". I've listened through it once, but wasn't really paying attention. I think I'm going to love that album too. They have definitly done some new stuff and are keeping things fresh. I was expecting a repeat of their last album. I loved their last album but I really wanted something different this time around and I feel they delivered from what I've heard. I'm sure I'll say more later. Then there are two older albums that I've finally started listening too. I've had All American Rejects "Move Along" album for like 6 months but just really started listening to it this past month. There are a few songs on there that I just love, mainly based on lyrics. I definitly love the tracks "Move Along" and "Can't Take it". Next, finally listening to Something Coporates album "North". It's a few years old. I love Jack's Mannequin and thats what got me into Something Coporate, but I've only listened to "Ready...Break". So thats the 'new' music I'm listening to that I'll probably give impressions on at some point.

Couple bands I want to comment on. Sullivan and Waking Ashland. I thought these might be new bands that I would really love. Turns out not so. Sullivan is enjoyable and I can listen every now and again but mostly am not that crazy about them. Waking Ashlands albums first couple tracks are absolutly amazing (check out "I am for you" and "Endinger"). I love them. Then the rest of the album got boring quick and I can rarely listen to the whole thing. I have high hopes for them for future records but I need more than a couple great songs to make me love a band. Couple other bands I've been checking out but havn't really gotten into much are So They Say, Scary kids scaring kicds, and Acceptance. The albums definitly didn't grab me but maybe over time I'll like one of these bands. We'll see. But lots of new music going around and I'm loving it.

Things I really want to check out are Sean Watkins (of nickel creek) solo album. And also, Mutual Admiration Society the nickel creek peeps did a project with the singer from toad the wet sprocket that I heard some of and really want to check out more of.

I love my ipod.

funny

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 17:22:35 GMT

This[video.google.com] gave me the biggest smile I've gotten in a while. It's hysterical. Baby quadruplets are laughing in unison. Classic.

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 15:17:47 GMT

So today is the 3rd consecutive day that I've felt tired. Today is much better than the lats two days, but my eyes just want to be closed. This morning was great though. For a while I've been waking up with a crick in my neck to my alarm and doing everything I could to get up. This morning I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, very comfortable and just relaxed for 15 minutes. It was easier to get up. Though I did just want to lay there for another hour. I've found that I don't know how to relax really. I know how to distract myself, but not really relax. I can play a video game, watch a tv show, or browse the web and these are the things I've used to 'relax'. When pretty much I stay tense and they just distract me from the fact that I am tense for little while. I think I need to set aside time every day to do nothing. Even 15 minutes. Sit there, relax and do nothing. I don't know, I felt like blogging and this is all thats coming to mind. Half day of work for me on Friday. WOOHOO!!

How are you?

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:38:38 GMT

So I kind of want to do an update. But I haven’t had any ground breaking ideas to blog about so we'll just do a how am I doing? Johnny asked me how I was doing the other day (a question I get asked all the time) and I mostly didn't even know how to answer. The best I could come up with was disoriented. I feel completely disoriented. So much (emotionally) has gone on in the past couple weeks that I'm just kind of left going, um I have no idea how I am. I'm angry, sad, happy, mellow, anxious, worried, cool, excited and confused all into one. Typically, at one time, a particular one of those emotions is at the forefront. However they move around and kind of are all swirling around in my brain. So when someone asked me how I'm doing, I don't quite know how to answer. I give the 'good' if it's someone passing by that I don't know at work. I'll give the 'ok' or “I’m getting by” to church or general friends. To my close friends I'll tell the most prominent feeling at the time. But overall? I have no idea. I'm exhausted and disoriented. I don’t know whether to cry, get angry, talk about it, take a break, sit there nervous till the nerves go away, journal about it, use whatever to just distract myself. What do I do? I don’t know. Basically I feel like crap and am just wading through it all hoping it all gets better with time. Fluxuating between hardcore taking on the pain and scars and anxiety, and just needing a break. All I know, is "how are you doing?" is a question I feel is near impossible to answer in a passing word.

This brings up another thing I was thinking about today. The how are you doing question. Often people talk about how more people should answer it honestly. I agree with that, however I don't think that the problem is the answerer. I think the problem is the one asking the question. When you say "how’s it going", how often do you really mean it. Do you really want that person to unleash all their shit that is going on right there. Is it even possible in the 5 minutes you've allotted to talking to them that Sunday morning. Don't expect more out of the question unless you really want to get it. That’s the real problem. I'll say 'I'm doing alright' to everyone who asks that question because how am I to differentiate who really gives a crap. The change needs to be people pursuing the person they are asking how are you doing to more(now I know there is a problem with people not saying what’s going on but I'm trying a different angle here). There is something I see Johnny do that works wonders. He'll ask "So, how’s it going", you'll give your "It's going alright" answer. Then he goes "ya" and then just looks at you with a look of expectation for you to really answer his question. Often then the person answers in more detail or if they really have trouble opening up, get really uncomfortable. I think that’s a technique that could work for some. Or maybe. "How you doing". "good". "ya, how you really doing?" That would be more the approach I go with. Though I often get that "ya, things are just going really good". When you can see their lie all over their face.

I don't know. I just thin that as important as it is for people to answer the question correctly, it's more important for people to sincerely ask and pursue the asking of the question how are you? What’s it take to get there? Well, you actually have to care about the person enough to ask it sincerely, which is why I can honestly say I fail at it so often. Sad, isn't it?

playlist crazy

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 19:32:11 GMT

So, yes, I have a 60 gig black ipod video now. And yes, I love it. Its awesome. Have the car attatchment, its great. So since this purchase I have gone organizing crazy with all my mp3s. Now I have a work computer and a home computer. Both with mostly similar, but also both have mp3s that the other one doesn't have. Don't ask how this happened. Now getting this sorted between the computers has been rough and still an ongoing process. I'm done with the one at work and now have to go fix the one at home. So I've been going through fixing track numbers, titles, genres. You name it. Now that all my music is mostly organized. I'm going playlist crazy and I've taken on quite an endevor. I love mix cds. I love the art of making them. You can't just pick your 15 favorite songs and put them on the album. Songs need to flow. Both lyrically and musically. You can't go angry loud to pleasent soft. Or can you? Sometimes you can. But it takes finesse. What is really fun about this is that it's really a gut feeling thing. Oh, after this song I need a song with a build up at the beginning. Or I need to go acoustic after this song. Or at this point the emotional level has risen that I need a song with some screaming. I love it. Here is my major endevor. I went through almost all my songs and picked out my favorites(songs I'm almost always in the mood for). Which right now is 355 songs. Now the challenge is aranging these into the worlds most amazing and long playlist. I did the first 40 songs. Started listening through it, and was really disapointed with the first 10 songs or so. However, everything after that has been beyond amazing. Now I have up to 100 songs done. Call me crazy but I'm having a blast. It's much more chalanging that a 15 song compilation but has a lot more flexablilty. I love it. Anyone else love making a good mix tape? I'll try and post my amazing song list at some point.

I'm so tired

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 16:20:45 GMT

I don't experience the moment I'm in. Pretty much ever. I think about it sometimes. "Wow, this is cool" and then I'm no longer in the present. Where am I? I am in the future. My head is constantly in the future. How so? Well, mostly worrying. I wake up and don't experience my breakfast, my shower, or the calmness that comes with morning. No, I'm thinking about when I'm going to get to work. I'm thinking about what I'm doing after work. I am always thinking about the next thing. So during my shower I'm thinking about what I want for breakfast. During breakfast I think about whos driving, dan or me, into work. I think about how will I feel today. I don't even notice how I'm feeling right now. Just worrying about how I'll feel later. Will I be bored at work. Will I find something to do. Will I feel depressed today. Will I emotionally breakdown tonight.

It's no wonder I can't ever calm down. Even if I was actually calm, I wouldn't experience it because I'd be thinking about if I'd be calm 5 minutes from now. If my head is always in the future, am I even experiencing life. Because when I do hit that moment in the future, I won't be living then, I'll be worrying about the next one. The only time I really live in the present is if there is something in the present that I can worry about. I live my life stressed and worried. Seriously, I can't calm down. It's very annoying. I can't acknowledge the breathe I'm currently taking because I'm too busy thinking about the next breathe.

This stress and worrying has been very difficult lately. Why? I'm only just now realizing how bad it is. It was always in the back of my mind. I had learned to live with it all. But now I'm bringing it to the front of my mind. It has been playing out it unhealthy ways and I need to get rid of it. So recently I've been searching my soul for the things I worry about and I get overwhelmed. Now, it's good I'm bringing all these worries because hopefully I can begin to kill them. One by one. But as I said, it is completely overwhelming because there is just so much there that I am digging up. So, it's difficult, but healthy.

But now get this. I worry about worrying. In fact, now, it may be the thing I worry about the most. I worry that 30 minutes from now I'll be so overwhelmed by all the worrying that I'll break down. It's a nasty spiral. Because worrying only grows. And it's hard to kill. And I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting it. Seriously, I'd give anything to just relax for a while. This discovery is only in the past few days so we'll see how I do with it.

Emotion you can touch

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:58:21 GMT

Its nice to make a decision that turns out right

I sold my copy of Mario ddr about a month ago for $130, not really knowing what its value would do but expecting it to drop. Well, it's dropping and that makes me happy. Last copy sold for $86. Here’s an interesting thing to take though. Whether its value went up or down after I sold it, I still have $130 and the affect that has on my life is exactly the same. In that sense it doesn't really matter what its value does after than. Then why do I get such joy out of seeing it go down?

Its unnerving to have a decision out there that doesn't seem solid

I've been selling my Sachen games on ebay. Sachen games are rare old NES games that sell pretty well ($25-$40 each) compared to most Nintendo games ($2-$8 each). So, they never show up on ebay. There are a couple that rarely show up but only select titles. I start selling mine and they are going well. I'm pleased with the first 2 weeks of sales and I have a number of them currently up. Well, this week another guy is listing a whole bunch of his sachen games. Ebay is kind of all about competitive timing. Supply and demand you know. The more bidders the higher things go. The more sellers the lower things go. It's best to have as few people competing with the same thing as you on ebay. So, this is discouraging. He actually has a lot of the entire collection up which comes out to about $16 a game. I actually considered buying it and reselling it myself just to kill the competition. And I'd probably make money off it. He also has a lot of single games up but only about 7 different titles(there are about 53). I just find it unusual, irritating, and somewhat coincidental that these finally show up on ebay (via me) and within 2 weeks a bunch more show up. Grr.

Its odd how decisions feel different than expected

I'm in the very early stages of selling off my video game collection. I started with all of them stacked on my bookshelf. Now I've only sold about 30 games so far(out of over a 1000). I tried to sell games before about 2 years ago. It was tough. I picked games I didn't like, and didn't care about and figured had no need for. I remember being nervous as I listed them. I remember feeling like crap once I shipped each one out. I remember feeling like, damn, there goes that piece of my collection. My collection had just lessened. I no longer had that part of my collection. It was actually emotionally distressing(little disturbing huh?). Well, this time, it's a different story. So far I've actually been selling part of my collection that were more prized by me. My rare stuff. The hard to find stuff. Yet, it's been a completely different feeling this time. This time I had a sense of "Finally!" when I listed them and feeling excitement. Then even more when I shipped them out there was a sense of relief. An unusually strong sense of relief. The other day I was at home looked at the bookcase where I had put the games I'm slowing selling off and noticed that it looked a bit smaller. I noticed a small gap where I had grabbed games that I sold. Again, I felt really good and was so glad to see that gap. It felt good for that part of the collection to be gone. Confused?

My history

Let me tell you a back story and maybe it'll help everything make sense. I started collecting after Rachel (tragic break up story for those who don't know) broke up with me. Collecting became one of my escapes. I figured a hobby would be a healthy thing to get into. I spend a lot of time on it. I loved it. Working on something. Completing something. It was all about being complete. I wanted the game, box, and manual. I wanted the game complete. This is a common term among collectors. I wanted every game. I remember the intoxication of the number growing. I have 50. I have 100. I have 372 out of 800. I was getting close to completion. I wanted the hard to find games. Ah, the hunt. I'd spend hours going to pawn shops and flea markets just a save a few bucks on a game (as opposed to getting it on ebay). Or just to find that jackpot rare find (which happened a couple times). I collected for about 2 to 3 years. Then it sort of died out. I quit collecting. It just kind of happened. It wasn't a conscience decision. Then for a year or two, the games just sat in my closet. I'd pull them out every now and again. I still liked having them. I still took pride in my collection. Even if they were just all boxed up in my closet. Eventually I've kind of grown tired of it and want to sell them because there is nothing there now. I get nothing out it. No enjoyment, no pride. Its more of a hassle and annoyance than anything and I just want to get rid of them.

My revelation

I was talking about some of this with Constance the other night. I've come to realize that these are unusual emotions to feel and especially how strongly I feel them. My games are my baggage. And I've been carrying it around for years. I've boxed it up and stuck it in my closet. Looking back at the beginning is interesting. I had something associated with me that I could tangibly work on and make better, more complete… perfect. It was satisfying. I definitely felt broken and depressed. I couldn't fix things. I didn't know what to even work on. But this. Yes, this I could work on. This I could pour emotions into and I won't get let down. This I can work on and move closer and closer to it being greater, perfect. And my collection won't get up and walk out. As the collection grows so does the attachment, or the bond between me and my collection (the love? affection? hmm, scary, weird). A defense mechanism from my pain? Most definitely. A healthy one. Well, I really don't know. I needed something to survive. But it served its purpose. It's over. That stage has come and gone.

This is why I had so much trouble selling them a couple years ago. I still wasn't over things. I still wasn't ready to let go. I didn't even know that was going on. In fact this whole realization has happened in the past week, but I'm definitely running with it. I just thought I really liked collecting and that’s why it was so hard to let go. Now, as I sell my collection, it's like I'm letting go of the pain. It's like I'm letting go of that attachment. I'm finally unpacking that box of junk in my closet and getting rid of it. The phrase "cleaning out the closet" has never made so much sense to me. It's never had such a literal translation for me. I feel like I could go on forever with all the parallels between experiencing my pain, coping with it, and finally letting it go and my collection. I feel more and more peace and joy with each game I ship, with each gap I see in that collection, with each piece of baggage I'm finally letting go off. And I didn't even know about it.

Do you see any parallels I didn't mention? Have you experienced something that translates so well from physical items to emotional feelings? I'll tell you, it’s quite an eye opener.

Metal is so Mellow

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 15:29:47 GMT

I really like metal music. But only certain types. I'm not talking about 80's metal or even much of the 90's metal. More the metal of today. What the kids(you know, the jr high and high schoolers) are calling metal today. There are those that like all types of it, but I am a bit more picky. Why would anyone like metal? It has all that screaming/growling/yelling/noise or whatever you call that. Here is where I confuse people. I find it very mellow and relaxing. Huh? Yep, all that hard guitar and screaming is like yoga to me. I was talking to Mike Ropp about this (who shares this musical interest) on the campout. Metal is very Rythmatic and Melodic. I find the guitar riffs bueatuful and the guitar and drum rythms intoxicating. It makes me chill and whatever I'm doing feels fluid. Metal is very fluid and tight. That said, I can't stand sloppy metal. And oddly enough, I'm picky when it comes to the vocals. Some screamers are just better than others. I know they aren't anything like metal, but say the screaming in Hawthorne Heights drives me nuts. It's terrible. When say, As I Lay Dying has probably my favorite scream. I'm also a fan of Still Remains and Becoming the Archetype(though I don't like his scream a ton). Metal is great for programming. Getting into the zone, getting into that rythm of programming. Metal just keeps you flowing. It's nice. It actually facilitates thinking for me. I like listening to it when I'm writting also. So, ya this is why I find metal mellow.

I'm a Dork

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 21:51:15 GMT

I love video games. It's true. I also practically never play them anymore. Why? Mainly I don't have the time. Or there are many other things I'd rather spend my time doing. But also, there just aren't any new good games coming out. Video games today often bore me. None of them excite me. This is why I like Nintendo. They are the most innovative video game maker and I'm really excited for their next console and the new types of gameplay it will be bringing. Why am I talking about this. Well, for the first time in years I've found a game I am actually excited about. It's called spore. There are too many details about the game to mention. But I recommend watching this video about it. Note, it is an hour long but is very interesting I think, even if you don't like video games. If you want something short there is a cut version Here thats only about 30 minutes long. I really havn't been excited about a new game like this in a long time. I know, I'm lame.

My Four Things

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 20:43:17 GMT

Call me unoriginal but I read this on cathy and pauls blog and always find these things interesting, so here I go.

4 Jobs I’ve had in my life

Lifegaurd - I was a lifegaurd for 3 summers (after 11th and 12th grade and my first year of college. 1 summer for the red cross and 2 for the city of melbourne pools. I loved this job. It was kind of a slacker job. Got a nice tan, in good shape, and met new people(usually kids) most days. Only had to save one person ever and that didn't even require me jumping into the water. Though she would have drowned had I not been there.

Swimming Instructor - I LOVED this job. Well, I loved the kids. And I loved teaching them. I just really enjoy entertaining and teaching young kids. I get to be animated and goofy and they love it and are a joy to be around. However, having the parents watch me all the while I was teaching added a LOT of stress to the situation. Especially certain parents but most of them were great.

Mailing room worker - Everyday after school my senior year I worked at Christian Care Ministries in their mail room. Kind of boring and I had the worst boss I've ever had while there. Mostly stuffing and stamping envolopes and packages.

Self Embloyed Ebayer - I started my own ebay business with my 2 roomates buying and selling classic video games which lasted for about 15 months. It was very flexible and nice to work at home. Came out to making about $8 an hour. But I also got a valuable Nintendo Game Collection out of it. Was stressful working with my roomates so much though.

4 Goals I’ve set for this year

Sell my games - Been wanting to sell my video game collection for a while, finally getting around to it.

Finish my house - I have a number of things I still want and need to do.

Record more music - I'd like to start recording my songs and get into that more.

Find that next thing - Doors have recently opened up in my life but I am trying to figure out where I'm going with parts of my life.

4 Movies I can watch over and over

BraveHeart - I'm sorry if this is on everyones list. But I love this movie

Office Space - So funny. And recently, a little to familiar.

Groundhog Day - Hilarious. Actually most comedies I could watch over and over like "when harry met sally" or "Toy Story"

American History X - Intense, I had to put one of this type here. Others I considered were Fight Club and Shawshank Redemption

4 places you have lived:

Palm Bay - First house I ever lived in. We had woods in the back yard.

Palm Bay - Moved 2 blocks down the road when I was 8. 10 mintues from the beach. It had a nice breeze unlike orlando, but everyone is old there

Oviedo - I separate Oviedo and Orlando cus they are different (though I have 2 palm bays). Oviedo really felt more small town and felt gernearlly less active and quiter. Though that might have been in my head.

Orlando - Where I currently live. Orlando is huge differs tons depending where in it you live. I like where I am now. It was not so great when I lived at the college apartments of Knights Krossing.

4 TV shows you love to watch:

I can't do just 4!

Scrubs - Pretty goofy and off the wall humor. I can watch these episodes over and over.

The Office - Pure genious. Very original and absolutely hilarious

Stargate - I watch both SG1 and Atlantis. Only started watching SG1 this season(9th) though. Great mix of religion, philosophy, and mythology in a scifi atmosphere.

Battlestar Gallactica - Interesting look at human behavior as it relates to religion, government, military, and unique social situations. Again in an awesome action scifi atmosphere.

Survivor - Only reality show I really like. I think acuratly shows how people relate and interact in an unusual scenario.

American Idol - I typically hate anything pop. That said, I love this show. It's oddly not pop. Go chris!

24 - Unrealistic, but still keeps me very entertained and at the edge of my seat.

4 places you have been on vacation:

Out West - Awesome trip when I was like 6 with my family to the Grand canyon, Yosemite, Mount Rushmore ect.

Atlanta/Jasper GA - I go here every year. It's where my grandparents live. It is the most relaxing place on earth. House in the mountains, off of a lake. Beautiful.

Panhandle - Lame to vacation in Florida at a beach when you live there already? Ya, pretty much. Nice white sand beach though. Family reunion like 10 years ago. It was a lot of fun.

Guatemala - Wierd place to vacation. Some might say. Not me. I loved it. Beautiful country. I hiked a volcano.

4 websites you visit daily:

slickdeals.net Best internet deals on the net

My Yahoo Has my stock information, email, comics, news, everything.

Slashdot.org News for Nerd

ign.com I'm a dork, I know. Also digitpress.com forums for my video game needs.

4 of your favorite foods:

Pizza - Totally honest, I love pizza and never get sick of it.

Grandmas Cooking - Pretty much anything she makes is amazing.

Moes Queso and chips - It hurts, but it's so good. (also chilis queso and chips)

Olive Garden Breadsticks with Alfredo Sauce - MMMMMMMM

4 places you’d rather be right now:

Home - wherever I am, I'd almost always rather be home. I love being home. Except when I'm there alone all day. Even then, not so bad.

Wherever Constance is I know. I'm completly pathetic. But you know what? I'm ok with that.

Bent Tree Thats the name of the place where my grandmas house is in GA. The most relaxing place on earth.

Where my Guitar is This means I can be playing it. I always want to be playing. All in all, its who you are with and not where you are at. So I don't like this question, lol.

4 people I’m tagging to do this:

Aren't I the last one?

We got cows!!!

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 14:31:35 GMT

Click For A Larger Image

So, before I bought this house, out living behind it was a pasture with cows. The owner said he saw a cow come close maybe once a month. Well, when I moved in, someone bought the land behind my house and in no time all the cows were cleared. I thought, great, there goes my nice view and there going to start building houses back there. Then, suddenly, this morning, cows are everywhere! It's great.

The Dysfunctional Mind

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:45:03 GMT

I have a dysfunctional mind. When did I realize this. Well, last week. It's quite unerving for me. There is one thing I think I do well and that is think. Give me a problem and I can anazlyze every possible outcome and then the the results from that outcome. I can think through every response someone could give, how I will take it, how they will take that. Handy huh? Not really. In fact I almost wish I couldn't do that. Why? Because I will worry and stress myself to death. Let me give you an example of how my mind works. This is a simple non-extreme example. Last night I was at johnny's. I'm free to snack on whatever he has while I'm over there. I was hungry, so I saw some ritz crackers in pantry. I thought I'd like ritz crackers with cheese. Then found his cheese. It was still sealed. I asked if I could have some and he said yes. Then I went into thinking mode. You ready? Here we go. Entering my mind last night.

Do I really want ritz and cheese? Am I really hungry? I was hungry. I think I still am. Maybe I just think I'm hungry. Well, whether I'm hungry or not I'm in a snacking mood. Should I snack when I'm not hungry? But I might be hungry? Hmm, I do really like ritz crackers and cheese. Though the cheese hasn't been opened yet. Maybe he would prefer it not be opened. Then why would he say yes? Brett, you know Johnny doesn't care. I do let him snack at my place all the time, so ya, he should be fine with it. I wonder if he's only fine with it because I let him snack over at my place. Well, that wouldn't be good. You know I really don't know if I'm hungry. I have been eating a lot recently, I don't need a snack even if I am hungry. Maybe I want chips. I always like those cape cod chips. I don't think I want them. Hmm, well maybe I do and just don't know it. I'll start eating those. It is easier than opening the cheese. (I begin eating cape cod chips). This is not what I wanted. Why did I think I might want these? Well now you've chosen this as your snack item, you can't go back now. It'd be really bad to snack on two different things. (keeps eating chips). Man, I really don't want these. (puts chips away saying out loud that I wasn't in the mood for these). Well that was the wrong decision. That was stupid. Why did I think I wanted chips. Hmm. Do I want ritz and cheese? Thats what I think I originally wanted. Am I still hungry? Was I ever hungry? Am I making a face right now? I probably am. I do that when I think. Does Johnny think it's wierd that I only ate 4 chips. Maybe he thinks somethings on my mind and that it wasn't that I just decided I didn't want chips. Do I want cheese and ritz? I don't know. Am I even hungry? What did I have for dinner? Panera, right. It was enough food. Not tons though, so I could still be hungry. Though that is right, I did eat dinner, that should be the last meal. I mean, I don't really want to open the cheese if I don't have to right? It's been a long time since I've had cheese and crackers. Maybe I can't figure out if I want it because it's been so long since I've had them. Maybe I should keep it this way. Cheese and crackers isn't exactly healthy. Is it? I mean, it's not like chocolate ice cream. But its not something like yogurt. Yogurt is healthy. Well, the low fat kind is healthier. Am I hungry? You know, cheese is kind of expensive. If you snack you should choose something a little cheaper. Not to mention the cheese hasn't been opened yet. Oh he said I could have it, why am I'm still debating that. Alright, we're just going to go with no. How about you just chill and talk with johnny (talking with johnny) Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? (talking with johnny) Am I? Do I? hmm. I don't know. (talking with johnny) Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? (talking with johnny) Alright I'm going for it. (goes gets cheese, opens it, grabs ritz and ejoys exaclty what I wanted) Whew, glad I figured that out. I did want cheese and crackers. It is good I finally decided on that. I'm glad I'm being decisive. Hmm how mnay should I eat? Do I want soda? How thick should these slices be? Whats the best cheese to cracker ratio? How much is too much? I like pepsi. Soda is really bad for you. I shouldn't eat all his cheese. I feel bad that I opened new cheese. I can't believe I was hungry after that dinner. Was I hungry?

AH!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my brain. And this is cheese and freaking crackers! I'd go into how I anazlyze relationships but it would be disturbing to see all of the tangents and thoughts I have. This is a mild case. When I'm thinking about people, these thoughts, this going back and forth and back and forth, can last for days. It's very tiring. You want to hear what is really crazy. I thought this was normal. Everybody thinks like this. Right? In fact, part of me still thinks that it's normal. I only just started discovering how dysfunctional this thinking is about a week ago. You have now experience what it's like to live in The Dysfunctional mind.

Online poll

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:40:27 GMT

I'd been tossing around the idea of registering a new website for my music. Now that I'm blogging more, I'd like to put that there too. So I've decided to do it. What pushed me over the edge what there is no way to do site tracking on livejournal without a paid account. Anyway, here are the two options I need peoples opinions on.

www.graceundeserved.net

or

www.grace-undeserved.com

(graceundeserved.com is taken already)

With one I get a .com, but I have to have the dash which I don't like
the other one is exactly what I want but isn't a .com (maybe that doesn't matter much anymore)

Anyway, opinions would be appreciated!

Morning Mocha

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:07:45 GMT

Every morning (once I get to work) starts with a morning mocha. I'm addicted. It's all I think about when I get to work and can't really start until I get one made. You may be asking yourself. What is a morning mocha? Well, you can try it. It's made in a few simple steps.

1. Get a mug that holds about 1 1/2 cups
2. Put just a little bit of hot water in
3. Emtpy 1 and 1/2 packats of swiss miss hot chocolate into mug
4. Fill mug almost to the top with coffee (We have starbucks french vanilla which works better than regular)
5. Top it off with a little bit more hot water.
6. Stir and enjoy!

Now, it is important to take into note that portions will change from person to person depending on how much cocoa taste you want and how much coffee taste you want and how strong you want the drink in general. Mine is a little rich. But some like it with 2 packats hot chocolate and all coffee. Play around with it until you figure out what is your best combination for the perfect morning mocha.

Song Writing

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 23:29:45 GMT

So today I was working on some songs I've written. I'm finding writing music to be very interesting. There is a song I wrote a ways back. I thought it was great, original, interesting and all that jazz. Then I got bored with it and had to change it. Thought it improved 100%. Then I got bored with it again and changed it again. This time it was very unique and I thought I had probably found the sound I was looking for. Once again, the song got boring and I was about to scrap it all together. However today I was working on it and once again changed a bunch of it and am really digging it. I find it so strange. Especially since my changes incredably much. During the whole process the chords didn't change much at all. They lyrics had only a few changes. The changes were in the voals and the strumming pattern. It's amazing how much a song can change. So here we are, 9 months after I originally wrote it and I'm finally happy with how it is.

Is that how all my songs are?

It is not always that way. Another song I wrote about the same time as the one I just talked about I wasn't very crazy about. In fact, I thought it was pretty boring. Yet I kept playing it. I play through my songs most of the time I practice and I would always do it and it grew on me little by little. I really didn't make any changes to it. Got smoother at playing it, started singing more passionatly and now I think it's a solid song. I'm not blown away by it by it's just solid. I find this interesting.

How do I go about writing a song?

I don't know if anyone cares to know but I was always curious how different song writers wrote their songs. The biggest question is "What came first, the music or the lyrics?" The answer is, well, neither and both. I've written lyrics and put music to it but this may be my least favorite way. When I do this I have a hard time getting the sound to fit the lyrics. I always have to adjust the lyrics then to fit what can musically sound good. These songs typically take a lot longer for me to finish also. However, sometimes lyrics come to mind separate from a song and this is just the method you have to take. I wouldn't say I've ever written a song and then later written lyrics to it. When I practice I mess around and come up with cool things to do and then eventually they make it into a song I have. My favorite and most typical song writting is to do both at the same time. It is mostly fueled by my emotion. I'll play what I'm emotionally feeling that day and once I've got a general pattern figured out I just start singing. I make up the words as I go. Sometimes I get no where. Often times I start coming up with lyrics. Many times just a chorus or just a verse. Then I start piecing together different things I'm doing. When using this method, the music comes very easily and lyrics fit in well. However I often have to sit down and often times add in an extra verse or change some words in the lyrics because they are so based off my current emotion that they don't really make much sense.

How I wrote Just Breathe

Just Breathe was written in under an hour. Start to finish. I spontaneously wanted to write a song about all that stuff. Sat down and just played it. It's the quickest lyrics had ever come to me. I would sing through a verse and it all just came to me and then I sat down and wrote down what I came up with. I probably had a rough version of the song in 15 minutes. Then another 30 minutes to clean it up and worked mostly on the vocal line. Anyway, thought ya'll might find that interesting.

Rules verses Fairness

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 20:57:02 GMT

Today on the way to lunch was the normal game that everyone plays. Shotgun. Eveyone plays that ... right? Shotgun is played many different ways and each group seems to have their own way that they play. In our version the driver has to hear the shotgun call (not a rule that makes sense to me and I don't know how we ended up with that rule, but oh well, it is what it is). Well today we went to publix for lunch. I won the shotgun call on the ride over and now the ride home was to be determined. So as the driver steps out the door (the other rule is the driver has to be outside and on the way to his car) of publix as I am mid-sentence talking and I say shotgun very loudly in the middle of my sentence. My opponent has a look of accepted defeat and I take the little joy I have in sitting up front. Halfway to the car the driver asks, "Did anyone call shotgun?" At this point my opponent quickly says shotgun. Now I'm stuck confused. I had already won. This isn't fair. The game was over. I had already won. When did the ref reblow the whitle after the teams went to the bench and the other team ran out to kick the game winning goal. However if you refer to rule 16.8(end sarcasm), I did technically lose shotgun. If the driver did not hear the shotgun call, it doesn't count. I am greatly disturbed by this whold encounter. I relinquished my front seat all the while still having an overwhelming feeling of "it should be my seat and I fully deserve it" running through my head.

NOT FAIR!

Well, having a best friend as a counselor has changed how I often think about things. I start to examine why I feel like injustice has just been done to me. I realize my struggle is kind of a battle against what is fair verses what is going by the rules. I guess it brings up the question of what is right? Is being fair right? Or is following the rules right? I find I take the fair side almost all the time. I hate using the word fair because it sounds like the 7 year old who says "That's not fair!" all the time. However, fair is the best word I can come up with. We'll take the game shotgun for an obvious example. If I were to win shotgun a few times in a row I would purposely lose so that the other people could get it sometime because that's only fair. Another example would be video games. Just play one with me one time. If I feel things are unequal because of something I can't control, I voice my opinion about much it sucks and will personally believe that any loss I make because of it doesn't count(at least in my mind.). It can make playing against me quite annoying at times I'm sure.

Wheres the Logic?

Is fair really the right word though. Or is it what I think (logically of course, what other way would I think) the rule should actually be. I think if a rule is illogical in a situation that it should be thrown out the window. I am not a live by the rules no matter what person. I view life as dynamic and it depends on the situation type person. I almost cannot answer yes or no questions. When asked a yes or no question, it takes everything in me to not say it depends. I'm saying "it depends" over and over in my mind though. And when I answer yes or no, I'm greatly disturbed that I just said yes to a question that 1 out of 100 times I would have actually said no to depending on the circumstance.

I Wonder

Well, thats related but kind of off track. I'm curious what stance other people fall into on this issue. Do you think the rules should be followed, or they should be abondoned whenever used to create an injustice. Or is not following the rules an injustice and nothing else matters. Hmm...

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 19:17:19 GMT

You have to be a big of computer geek to get this video but I found it funny enough to link.

myspace

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 17:01:28 GMT

I have a new blog post on my myspace with lyrics I hadn't posted yet if you are intested.

WOA!! FREAKY!!

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 16:22:16 GMT

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The Professional Christian

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 20:26:01 GMT

So I actually heard the the words Professional Christian today when listening to someone talk. They were said in slight jest and in passing but probably were the only words I heard in the entire encounter. The words stuck and was quickly disgusted by the concept. In fact, my mind started racing with it very quickly. I imagined an athlete working to be a better at a sport. Buying the right gear, practicing day in and day out, studying his opponent ... all to be the best and to win the game. Thats what I think of when I here the word professional. Someone who is constantly working to be perfect at whatever they are professional at. Well, all that and the fact that they get paid(which made the context I heard this in disturbing but thats off topic and I won't go there). My first reaction was a lot of disgust. A Professional Christian, how rediculous. A person perfecting being a Christian. Then I got confused. Aren't we supposed to be Christ like? Constantly aspiring to be more like him ... perfect. Why then does this concept of Professional Chirtian bother me so much? Hmm..

So um, whats the problem?

I think my problem with it is that it is just the wrong focus. I'm reminded of so many churches and people who make everyone feel like they need to be a Professional Christian in order to be good, acceptable, considered a Christian at all or dare I say to be loved. I had bad experience with this and my previous church. Oddly enough, I didn't even realize the full extent of it's problems until about 2 years after I quit going there. Where is the room for failure, sin, brokeness? I can't find anything really concrete against the concept of the Professional Christian. Yet everytime I type those two words I want to vomit. I see pharisees in my mind so quickly. The quick to judge. The better-than-thous. But again I keep coming back to, aren't we called to sin less? Isn't that what becoming a Professional Christian would be all about.

Where are we going with this?

I feel like I'm just running around this, but thats how my mind works. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth (It's not a fun thing, I'll go into it sometime). I think really it's the idea of having an image that bothers me. Nobody could ever be a Professional Christian. So what do people do. Many create the appearence of it to cover up their faults. Many of them think so strongly that they need to achieve it that they beat themselves up day after day trying to achieve it.

How about an example

Here is a great example of what rubs me so wrong. To work at something and perfect it what do you do? Lets say I want better soccer foot skills. Here are the 10 drills I can do 2 hours a day to increase my skills. Or here is your 5 step process to a better, stronger, more accurate shot. Apply that to life and I get nauseous. Here is your 10 step process to kill that sexual addiction. Here are the 7 key elements to humbleness. I feel like it's just setting people up for failure. Anyone who hears those things, goes, tries, fails, tries, fails, tries, half succeeds, tries, fails until they have officially beat themselves to death. Wheres the grace. Wheres the love. Wheres being realistic. Wheres the message of you are going to fail, but thank God for our savior. You are loved no matter what you do. You are accepted no matter how bad you fall, no matter how a bad you sin. Redemption! You are redeemed! You are a child of the King! (as johnny would say) Does a child of the King need to be a Professional. Or does nothing really matter other than the fact that they are a child of the King.

I guess what I'm tryin to say....

I'm not trying to minimalize the wretchedness of sin. I'm trying to kill it's power. When you sin, did sin just win? Or did God just win? Both you may say. Can both be true? I can't say I know. But if you are a child of the King then your sin has been conquered. It has no power. I feel cautious to say this but quit trying so hard on yourself and just BE a child of the King. Don't be a Professional Christian but be covered by the blood of Christ. For once let the power of your sins guilt disappear and just relax in Glory of who He is.

I got 5 minutes

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 21:51:21 GMT

I'm always looking for things that a good for a 5-10 minute break. At work after working so many hours on something, especially if I hit a snag, I need a break so my brain can work on it while I'm doing something else. You'd be amazed how many problems I've thought about for an hour and couldn't get right that I figured out on my way to the bathroom when I wasn't trying to solve it. Or how I'll work all day on something and have problems, but once I step away from it, I figure it all out on the ride home. What I'm trying to say is I look for quick break ideas. Typically I check stocks, my email, certain forums, and oddly enough video game news. Every now and again I'll check real news. Maybe once week.

So, all this to say, one of my new things I love to do is check Cathy Martins blog. She updates it daily which is really nice and it is always an interesting read. I recommend others go and check it out, I linked it on her name. Oh, maybe, just maybe, she'll find my livejournal cus you linked to her site because of it, lol. Also, reading her blog and others like it has inspired me not only to blog more but to blog on more important topics. I'm currently working on one about being a 24 year old graduated single in the church. Stay tuned!

Roses for everyone

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 18:31:33 GMT

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