How are you?
So I kind of want to do an update. But I haven’t had any ground breaking ideas to blog about so we'll just do a how am I doing? Johnny asked me how I was doing the other day (a question I get asked all the time) and I mostly didn't even know how to answer. The best I could come up with was disoriented. I feel completely disoriented. So much (emotionally) has gone on in the past couple weeks that I'm just kind of left going, um I have no idea how I am. I'm angry, sad, happy, mellow, anxious, worried, cool, excited and confused all into one. Typically, at one time, a particular one of those emotions is at the forefront. However they move around and kind of are all swirling around in my brain. So when someone asked me how I'm doing, I don't quite know how to answer. I give the 'good' if it's someone passing by that I don't know at work. I'll give the 'ok' or “I’m getting by” to church or general friends. To my close friends I'll tell the most prominent feeling at the time. But overall? I have no idea. I'm exhausted and disoriented. I don’t know whether to cry, get angry, talk about it, take a break, sit there nervous till the nerves go away, journal about it, use whatever to just distract myself. What do I do? I don’t know. Basically I feel like crap and am just wading through it all hoping it all gets better with time. Fluxuating between hardcore taking on the pain and scars and anxiety, and just needing a break. All I know, is "how are you doing?" is a question I feel is near impossible to answer in a passing word.

This brings up another thing I was thinking about today. The how are you doing question. Often people talk about how more people should answer it honestly. I agree with that, however I don't think that the problem is the answerer. I think the problem is the one asking the question. When you say "how’s it going", how often do you really mean it. Do you really want that person to unleash all their shit that is going on right there. Is it even possible in the 5 minutes you've allotted to talking to them that Sunday morning. Don't expect more out of the question unless you really want to get it. That’s the real problem. I'll say 'I'm doing alright' to everyone who asks that question because how am I to differentiate who really gives a crap. The change needs to be people pursuing the person they are asking how are you doing to more(now I know there is a problem with people not saying what’s going on but I'm trying a different angle here). There is something I see Johnny do that works wonders. He'll ask "So, how’s it going", you'll give your "It's going alright" answer. Then he goes "ya" and then just looks at you with a look of expectation for you to really answer his question. Often then the person answers in more detail or if they really have trouble opening up, get really uncomfortable. I think that’s a technique that could work for some. Or maybe. "How you doing". "good". "ya, how you really doing?" That would be more the approach I go with. Though I often get that "ya, things are just going really good". When you can see their lie all over their face.

I don't know. I just thin that as important as it is for people to answer the question correctly, it's more important for people to sincerely ask and pursue the asking of the question how are you? What’s it take to get there? Well, you actually have to care about the person enough to ask it sincerely, which is why I can honestly say I fail at it so often. Sad, isn't it?