Current mood:

worried

I'm so tired
I don't experience the moment I'm in. Pretty much ever. I think about it sometimes. "Wow, this is cool" and then I'm no longer in the present. Where am I? I am in the future. My head is constantly in the future. How so? Well, mostly worrying. I wake up and don't experience my breakfast, my shower, or the calmness that comes with morning. No, I'm thinking about when I'm going to get to work. I'm thinking about what I'm doing after work. I am always thinking about the next thing. So during my shower I'm thinking about what I want for breakfast. During breakfast I think about whos driving, dan or me, into work. I think about how will I feel today. I don't even notice how I'm feeling right now. Just worrying about how I'll feel later. Will I be bored at work. Will I find something to do. Will I feel depressed today. Will I emotionally breakdown tonight.

It's no wonder I can't ever calm down. Even if I was actually calm, I wouldn't experience it because I'd be thinking about if I'd be calm 5 minutes from now. If my head is always in the future, am I even experiencing life. Because when I do hit that moment in the future, I won't be living then, I'll be worrying about the next one. The only time I really live in the present is if there is something in the present that I can worry about. I live my life stressed and worried. Seriously, I can't calm down. It's very annoying. I can't acknowledge the breathe I'm currently taking because I'm too busy thinking about the next breathe.

This stress and worrying has been very difficult lately. Why? I'm only just now realizing how bad it is. It was always in the back of my mind. I had learned to live with it all. But now I'm bringing it to the front of my mind. It has been playing out it unhealthy ways and I need to get rid of it. So recently I've been searching my soul for the things I worry about and I get overwhelmed. Now, it's good I'm bringing all these worries because hopefully I can begin to kill them. One by one. But as I said, it is completely overwhelming because there is just so much there that I am digging up. So, it's difficult, but healthy.

But now get this. I worry about worrying. In fact, now, it may be the thing I worry about the most. I worry that 30 minutes from now I'll be so overwhelmed by all the worrying that I'll break down. It's a nasty spiral. Because worrying only grows. And it's hard to kill. And I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting it. Seriously, I'd give anything to just relax for a while. This discovery is only in the past few days so we'll see how I do with it.